dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I cockslap morals
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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