It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
