Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
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