I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
