and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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