life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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