He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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