i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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