My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We had sex on a dog bed..
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
