So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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