I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
