So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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