dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
