I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
