walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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