Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
