I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Boobs speak an international language.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
