At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
