Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
