Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
