How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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