I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
