You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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