im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
