did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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