I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
