dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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