so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
