im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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