Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
