Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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