Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize