The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
