someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
