I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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