EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
