I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
