I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
