OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
