Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
