is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
