i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
