Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
