Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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