Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize