one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize