I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
