Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
