I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
