I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize