Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
