do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
