Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
