Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
