we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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