ya dads aren't the best wingmen
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
