Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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