so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize