In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
