Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize