seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
