if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I wish i was in the wii world.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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