At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
