everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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